When I got out of bed this morning, the floor was freezing! I had no socks on. At least Leo had shoes.
When I got to the office this morning, I was out hunting around for some PELTS reports, when all of a sudden the savages from marketing swoop in and steal all of our work! And you know they're going to take credit for those reports!
So, it was take your kid's to work day, and I was just looking at Fat Tom's two little bug-eyed kids, and he charges up on me and rips me apart. What a jerk. He's just this big 'ol bear looking guy who's always pissed at something and he just started ripping on me. It was really draining. I fired back but he just kept coming.
So then, me and my son (Jerry) and a couple other folks (including Bob, who is a total jerk) stayed behind when everyone else went to lunch. They were kind of comforting me about the whole Fat Tom fiasco, waiting for me to die of embarrassment I guess. But then things go from bad to worse! Bob gives Jerry his iPhone to play with, and I know that is going to kill Jerry's interest in the rest of this day with his dad. His eyes go all dead and he just zones out. THEN Bob convinces everyone that I'm a lost cause and they all go back upstairs without me! I'm left alone and wounded for the rest of lunch.
Eventually, I eat my stupid burger, that I ordered medium-well, and it's, like, totally raw. Gross!
I decide to go up to marketing and see what the deal is, and I end up hiding in Steve's office for a little while (he's the only nice dude in marketing). But when I come out, I find out that all of these French corporate guys have fired Steve! And now they're eating all of the warm donuts and drinking all of the coffee in the office! Well, I sneak up and get the coffee out of there. Then I take this awesome jelly filled donut.
Of course, when I get back to my desk, I realize that it's strawberry jelly in the donut instead of grape, so I have to cut it open and scoop all the guts out of it. But then I climb in and the warm powdered sugary goodness keeps my heart from freezing to death.
Then, I decide to confront Bob about leaving me for dead, and I find out that he has left for the day! I spot him out the window as he's headed to his car. When I get out there, I start walking with one of the CEO's so that when Bob has to make an excuse about why he's leaving early, I can corner him. Of course, Bob just waves at the CEO, so I have to come out of hiding and just start attacking him, verbally, of course. We get into a little back and forth, you know, just cutting each other up with little jabs. Finally, I could totally slam him with one, but I decide to be the better man and I just let him float down the river of life or whatever.
Then I head home and cry.
See, my life is just as hard as The Revenant. Plus, I don't get to go to sleep when the sun goes down, you know?
