When Doctor Weirddrip, the evil wizard, appeared in King Doodad's court, a hush fell over the revelers.
Weirddrip walked slowly through the hall, allowing the guests of the night's interrupted festivities to drink in the overwhelming horror that was Doctor Weirddrip as he approached the king. With every step Weirddrip took, his soaked moccasins made a wet squish on the marble floor. The sound in the silent hall echoed to the ceiling and struck an almost musical minor chord.
King Doodad rose as Weirddrip approached, "Weirddrip!" The king bellowed in anger, "Why have you brought your foulness here tonight! Speak, I beg you!"
"You beg?" Weirddrip growled back, his voice full of malice, "Oh, that is well worded, your highness! I shall expect a great deal of that from you in the coming season!"
Weirddrip stopped. He threateningly leaned the staff he carried towards the throne. Some of the courage seemed to drain from Doodad's face at this gesture.
Suddenly the formalities fell away.
"I'm sorry, I don't mean to be unwelcoming or defensive with you, Mr. Weirddrip..."
"MR. Weirddrip?!" the wizard bellowed, "Your disrespect is overwhelming, Doodad! For I am both a powerful wizard and a doctor! Now, I don't know if there's an official title for a wizard, but I did complete the required coursework and residency for you to at least address me as Dr."
"Again, I apologize, Doctor Weirddrip," the king held out a calming hand, "Now, what is it that you want? As you can see, I am entertaining."
"Yeah," Weirddrip threw up his arms in exasperation, "and what's the deal with that? You don't ever even call me when you're having a big ass masquerade ball. That's why I'm kinda pissed, Dood, you know?"
"Weirddrip," the king cooed, "Come on, man. You're not into this kind of stuff. Plus I don't even know what you're doing anymore. Where do you even live, on some stormy mountain or something?"
"Yeah, well," Weirddrip mumbled to himself, "but you're always down here doing all kinds of fun stuff and I'm just, you know, sitting up there and I want to hang with you guys!"
"That's just it, Weirddrip," the king sounded almost sympathetic now, "you're just up there hanging around. You live off other's generosity and kinda always just want a hand out, ya know? We don't just party down here, we've got stuff to do. We plow fields and build stuff and even my court has to, like, sign documents and stuff."
"You don't think I could sign documents?" Weirddrip tried.
"You don't get to just start out at signing documents, Weirddrip. You kinda have to work your way up to that, and that's what you don't seem to understand. The work is the important part."
"Oh, whatever!" Weirddrip was getting angry now, "I see that you're effing wife's family all gets to be here! And they're wolves! That's just gross, Doodad! You married a girl who was raised by wolves! And now they get to be guests at your party."
Weirddrip motioned to the pack of wolves to his left. They were done up in rather elegant costumes and now seemed embarrassed about it.
"My wife's adopted parentage is well known and accepted, Weirddrip," at this, everyone tried not to look up at the little queen as she continued to rip apart a rack of lamb, undisturbed by the commotion in the hall. The collective thought was always centered on what must go on in the king's bedroom.
"Okay fine," Weirddrip yelled, "All of that's just fine. I just came by to tell you that because of your insolence, and treating me like a dick, I've kidnapped the greatest gymnast in the land. He is quite safe in my secret hiding place, but until you give me a whole bunch of money or a document signing job or something, there will be no Still Rings or Pommel Horse in this kingdom!"
A cry of terror rose from the crowd. This was, indeed a dastardly trick!
The king stood his ground. He raised his ever-calming hand once again until the room was quiet (save the queen's chewing and Weirddrip's... weird... drip).
"It seems that you have us by the curlies, Doctor wizard, since we all think that gymnastics is so awesome," the king said, "Please, allow me to bring out a special seat for you to rest in until we can decide on your new position."
Weirddrip nodded approvingly and the king motioned to his servants. Weirddrip did not see the king give his men the slightest of winks.
In a moment, three men brought out a large chair that was almost the size of the throne. Weirddrip looked it over for a moment, then threw his staff aside as he began to sit.
But as Weirddrip's posterior lowered towards the chair, a curious thing happened. A secret, hidden vacuum that King Doodad had installed within the chair roared to life. This vacuum performed its intended purpose and provided just enough suction to pull Weirddrip's testicles slightly backwards and downwards.
Before he could do anything at all to prevent it, Weirddrip sat square on his balls.
Doctor Weirddrip screamed in agony as he landed with all his weight equally on both nuts. He toppled to his left, clutching at his crotch.
As his robes fluttered away from the floor, a small puddle that had been created by whatever Weirddrip's weird drip was revealed itself.
The puddle was beautiful. It swirled and shone and reflected all that was glorious about life. Several of the nearby subjects of the king immediately dove headlong into the puddle, which proved to be magically deep. All of the people who splashed happily into the puddle's water disappeared into it with fond hopes of understanding the wonders of existence and retrieving the kidnapped gymnast.
Weirddrip was apprehended, his testicles were treated, and he was smacked around a little.
The gymnast was found in the puddle. Neither the gymnast nor his rescuers wanted to come out of the puddle, but eventually they did and someone wiped the puddle up.
Mike Tyson stood quietly at the back of the room and recorded King Doodad's bravery and quick thinking. He wrote the night's events into a small notebook that he kept in his breast pocket. When the time came, Iron Mike did not want to forget this day.
As for King Doodad, he finished his merrymaking before trotting off to bed with his feral bride.
-SB
6/13/14 (Friday the 13th AND a full moon)
